Since starting my organizing business 18 years ago, we have worked with many couples where one is a keeper and the other is a shedder. The shedder is eager to unload old burdens, remove clutter and open up new possibilities. The keeper does not like to get rid of stuff and tends to be fine with the way things are.
It’s a daily frustration for the shedder. Trust me. I know.
You feel crowded at every corner. There’s always a part of each room that’s a daily eyesore. You keep trying to open up space on your kitchen counter, but the clutter just keeps creeping in, causing a constant tension. It leads to conflicts, and you hear yourself arguing over the stupidest things.
Only, the stupid things are the tip of the iceberg. Below the surface is respect. For one of you, it’s a respect for space, for the other it’s a respect for possessions. So, what do you do?
Prioritize To Organize
As I’m always saying, “you have to prioritize to organize”, only this time it’s not just to organize. It’s to step back and look at what’s most important. Hopefully, harmony in your relationship is more important than a Pinterest-perfect home. My wife is fond of the saying “is that the hill you want to die on?”, she says it all the time.
So, start with reasonable boundaries. If being in an organized space makes you happy, you are entitled to at least one area in your home that you can call your own and keep it just the way you want.
Your cluttered companion is entitled to the same. It’s a compromise that may not satisfy both of you, but what compromise does?
I understand the frustration of shedders. You know that an uncluttered environment would benefit both of you, whereas a cluttered environment benefits neither of you. And it’s harder when a whole family lives in clutter.
So, I’m not saying just stay within your space and suck it up. Here are two strategies you can use to negotiate the clutter in shared spaces.
Put It On You
When you attack your loved one’s possessions, your loved one can feel like it is an attack on him or her. That’s because our possessions are an extension of ourselves.
For shedders, our space is an extension of ourselves. We don’t see space as empty. We see it as valuable. Space allows us to see clearly, to access, and to process. If you’re not able to do any of those things, then you have a valid position. But it is about you, because it doesn’t bother your keeper mate.
So rather than saying “I’m sick of seeing your broken treadmill in the basement!!” Try this, “My yoga classes are really helping lower my stress, so I’d like to practice at home. Could we… maybe have a conversation… about the treadmill in the basement?”.
Now, it’s likely that your loved one spent a lot of money on the treadmill or may feel guilty about not using it. He or she may have been meaning to get it fixed and realizes that it would be very hard to remove.
Be prepared to have a helpful conversation about all those points. Then you can still be on your loved one’s side, while addressing your needs.
Do I guarantee that it will work? Of course not! But I do guarantee that it will improve your odds over going on the attack.
Regret Free Process
If you are working together on clearing out a shared space, use the regret free process. We use this approach on every project. The most important factor in getting through a large project is momentum. Nothing slows momentum down faster than regret.
Your loved one may say this, “I just don’t know if I’m ready to get rid of this yet.” Rather than pushing him or her and risking regret, do this, say “That’s ok, but can we just get clear on why you are keeping it?”.
That should not come across as a challenge to throw it out, so offer options. Is it being kept for sentimental reasons? Ok, then keep it with other keepsakes. Is it something that might go in a new home? Ok, then keep it in the crawl space.
This is progress. You’re not shifting things from one pile to another. You are moving the process forward, because usually these items go to a more remote location. Meanwhile you can maintain the momentum on the big clear-out. When you are clear on why you keep something, that determines where it should go.
So give these strategies a try. If you have some successes, I’d love to hear about them. And if you have any strategies of your own that work, please share those too.
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What some of our clients are saying
In the past several years, I had emptied 4 separate dwellings, my grandmother’s apartment, my mother's house, my mother-in-law’s house, and my mother’s next apartment.
Intrigued by the notion of death cleaning and the painful memory of the cleanouts, I too began to consider what I might choose to leave behind.
So, what began with a trial run, (a thorough clean out of my eldest son’s childhood bedroom) I was ready to accomplish something far greater.
When my kids learned of my intention to launch an attack on the mother of all clean-outs (the basement), they worried what this might entail both physically and emotionally, So, to my surprise, a plan was hatched for a consultation with organizer, Matt Baier!
Meeting with Matt, with the support of my husband, and in the presence of the madness (furniture from various owners, cardboard in every size and shape, school supplies from a lifetime of working in classrooms, and twenty-three plastic bins containing the details of my children’s lives)... felt like the perfect storm.
As we continued to mine through vessels of pottery, glass, random art supplies, remnants of carpeting, wood, and fabric, costumes, tubs, screens, windows, and a life-size stuffed man we called Ned, Matt was busy outlining a tactical plan of action. Meanwhile, as we stepped amid multiples of objects including, but not limited to, kitchen appliance, toys, exercise equipment, electronics, glassware, three TV’s, VHS tapes, cartons of emergency meals packed since 2001, and mountain of debris that hadn’t seen the light of day in years, Matt’s resolve only grew stronger.
Unequivocally, meeting Matt was the lifeline we needed to pull us up from the weight of what we no longer needed in order to pass it all on to those who could benefit from donations.
So with a plan in place, come that Wednesday, a team of three remarkable women arrived at 9:30 a.m. to bring order from the chaos, in two short days.
The process from day one would have been impossible to imagine. But these three incredible workers managed to remove everything from the basement in systematic stages, but not before passing each and every object, large and small, through my hands for my simple proclamation: keep, donate, trash or sell. Although daunting in scope, with each passing minute, the sorting really was simple, fast and surprisingly painless! Granted, I was a motivated purger, so nothing gave me more happiness than shouting: donate with as much gusto as I could muster!
These women were absolute angels. They were physically and mentally strong, determined to complete the work on time, and committed to organizing and reorganizing with thoughtful intention and microscopic precision to the work of sorting and discarding. In no time, as the basement grew unbelievably spacious, these three, then assembled new industrial shelving to accommodate clear, labeled bins (all provided by Matt) to create a visually consistent and clean appearance to this new system of organization
Through it all, Matt and his crew demonstrated common sense, sensitivity, practicality, wisdom, efficiency, an uncanny ability to problem solve and think on their feet, professionalism, most of all, kindness.
Included in the package was the capable Junkluggers crew. They arrived to haul it all away from my backyard: first to their charity center, then, to a consignment shop and finally to the dump to deposit my trash.
What a relief to watch them pull away with most of my basement firmly ensconced in the bed of their truck.
One week post clean out, I process the experience a little more each day. The sense of well being and gratitude I feel is immeasurable.
Thank you Matt!
We decided to use Matt Bowers organizers based on recommendations and meeting with Matt Bowers himself.
All of our expectations were met and more. His team of experts were great. They were true professionals in every aspect of the word. Always on time, very knowledgeable and experienced and very accommodating. All through the project they were very attentive to our needs and opinions. And not less important were always punctual and industrious.
Our house is so much more functional now and better organized while we managed to get rid and donate a huge amount of stuff that was just occupying space.
We highly recommend Matt Bowers Organization
Noni and Giora Davidai, New canaan CT
Matt and his team were very professional, responsive to my needs and were able to accommodate my aesthetic into their work. But most importantly they were fun to work with and I felt completely at ease discussing my challenges with them. They truly listened. I would recommend them for any project without reservation.
After several other moves, one of which we were only given a 24-hour notice to move all household items into storage, items were just boxed without labels. Since we had no idea where certain items were, duplicate items bought and used. Along came another move, and we continued to box and move those items again. Finally, we needed to combine similar items to reduce the clutter! The team worked so well, always exceeding my expectations by getting this massive project done! It is wonderful to be organized again and able to find items with ease.
The process with the Team is simple, and you work at your own pace. No one will pressure you to get rid of items. Also, there is a great option to donate items. We were fortunate to have boxes and boxes of kitchen items, household, and bathroom items neatly organized or donated to a charity. We can not thank the team members enough for all the work that they did.
We find so much more clarity with an organized home. The flow of our home is peaceful, and we no longer staring at clutter or rearranging boxes to get them out of view!
Matt's company came highly recommended by several local Realtors. At first, I was a bit concerned about the pricing seeming very expensive; I quickly realized that it was worth every penny and soon became a seasonal client.
The team arrives so prepared and professional; they know just what to do and I can be as involved as much as I choose; or not all. They just get the job done.
Just as an example, I had over 15 file boxes of papers and Matt's team organized and reduced it down to only 4 well organized drawers.
Our personal items were sorted, organized, donated or stored neatly throughout the house.
Matt's team was a life saver for my family. I would highly recommend their service; The results are well worth the investment.
Imagine An Organized Home